i was up until an ungodly hour. 6am to be precise.
however I think I had what could be a somewhat spiritual night.

By the time it got to 5 am, I decided to sprawl out on my bed with my ipod, and bible.

And I read.

I read a few psalms. I read some of Romans. I read some of Isaiah.

You know, most of the time, at the moment, I struggle to work out where God is. What He is doing, what He is playing at. Why He isnt speaking to me. Why it dosnt feel like He is helping me out of this great big black hole.

But then sometimes, just sometimes I feel this huge overwhelming sense of love.

Love from Him. Love from Him himself and from Him through other people.

Two amazingly powerful things have made me think while I was away. On the Saturday night, having watched a particular heavy episode of House of all things, I broke down. I did slip out of the room saying I needed to smoke before I did. So that no one saw me. As soon as my body hit the fresh air outside , that was it. The tears came.

I thought I was alone in all ways. But I wasnt, again in all ways.

Mrs Host (I shall call them Mr and Mrs Host) came out, with a scarf which she wrapped round me, and then she just held me. Hugged me and held me. Then she took my hands, and for 15 minutes, outside, in the dark, cold back garden we stood.

I am bowled over by their grace, love, kindness, acceptance of me and who I am.

On Sunday we went to church, and I couldnt take communion for all the reasons that people generally dont. So I sat quietly, working hard or not letting the tears well up, until the congregation started singing a song. A aong that goes “Brother Sister, let me serve, let me be as Christ to you”.

It goes on to say … “I will hold the Christ-light for you In the night time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you Speak the peace you long to hear. I will weep when you are weeping When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow Till we've seen this journey through.”

So , again I find myself sitting with tears rolling down my face. I have my head down, hoping no one notices … ahem

Mr Host just puts his hand on my shoulder, and Mrs Hosts hands find mine, and she just sits. With me. Hand Holding.

My God, By quiet, unassuming love and care, I was comforted. Hugely.

I know Jesus is my comforter too, even though, sometimes it really dosnt feel like it.

Not totally sure where I was going with this post now, so I will be back with more later …


I am not a punch bag
I am not yours to do as you like
I am not some dirty cloth to throw on the floor
I am not just another person to be abused

I have feelings
I have a heart
I have a body that cries
I have eyes, even if they don’t show the tears

I feel the fear sometimes
I feel the sadness of a life unlived
I feel the pain I never speak of
I feel the beating of a broken heart

I wish I could turn back time
I wish life could make more sense
I wish you would view me different
I wish you could hear me

I hope for hope
I hope for peace
I hope for love
I hope for mercy.

I am me
I am her
I am that person
I am

written by dreamer

the face

laid on my bed for half an hour this afternoon, looking at the ceiling. Had some chilled out Moby playing in the lounge, so I could hear its tune.
And I imagined seeing Jesus face.

No particular vision, but just this indescribable face. I have no set idea on how or what He looked like (though I dont think He had blue eyes and long blonde hair!!)

Anyway, so I imagined seeing His face, looking down.

Looking at me. Looking at me laying there in the middle of the bed.

I wandered what his expressions would be. What his eyes would be saying. How He would look.

Would He be sad? Let down? Disappointed?

I wander what He would be looking like, and feeling seeing me.

incredible sadness

thank you for your replies, emails and responses and prayers folks.

I just feel incredibly sad. For alot of things.
I have reread Rehemas letter several times today. She wrote it on 4th November 07. They often take several months to get through and to my door.

The letter from Compassion head office was send on the 4th January 08.

How so much can change.

We heard today from our friends who are missionaries out in Africa with YWAM. They are in Arua, and ok , however nervous of the impact of the Kenyan rioting . They are already feeling the effects of aid and stuff not gettig through to them, their water and electricity supplies have gone to one hour a day and as you can imagine are extremely apprehensive about it all.

Please continue to keep it all in your thoughts.

I heard about an hour ago, an online friend whom has been an enormous encouragement to me passed away at the end of the week. He has been battling bravely with cancer, but it over came him. He is at peace now, I know that for sure, but still so sad.

Everything is so sad

bittersweet. please hold in your thoughts …

so, My mum came round for coffee this afternoon, bringing the mail that still goes to her house with her. A couple of bills, you know the kind of thing.

Plus a letter with a stamp on that I KNEW was bringing me a letter from the little girl I havw recieved letters from for the last 6 years.

This 9 year old girl has been sending me letters for the last five years. Ok, so the staff workers wrote them to begin with, and she scribbled on them. Then she started drawing pictures. Then colouring, then over the years her letters started to form, she started signing her name.

Today the letter I got was written by her. Perfectly formed letters, and neatly written too. At the back, stapled to her letter was the english translation.

I was over the moon. Excited and thrilled. This little girl I have a picture of in my lounge, in a frame, next to my mum and dad. This little girl I get the report cards to, update photos for, and have the honour of knowing how she is. This little girl has blessed me hugely in ways she will never know, and the whole story of how I became her sponser is another blog in itself. This little girl has grown up, from being three to now 9, and I have followed and seen her progress all the way through.

Anyway, this little girl is called Rehema. She is precious, and beautiful.

She lives in unthinkable poverty, more than we can imagine. Her older sister passed away a few years ago from Aids. Her father isnt at home, but is alive, and she has her mother. She lives in a mud hut.

She is alive though, being educated, clothed, fed and loved.

Anyway, so I was over the moon.

Then I opened the other letter, and it made me cry.

This one was from the head office.

Rehema lives in Kenya, and is part of a Compassion Project. Part of one of the 23 projects that have been closed, and are at the epicentre of the voilence and rioting that is happening out there.

She is right in the middle of it.

And they have been unable to account for everyone. People have died, people have fleed. Houses have been burnt down, and much much more.

And who knows where Rehema and her family are.

Compassion Kenya are doing everything in their will to support, relocate, love, and provide aid for those victims of this, but still the situation out there is unsafe, and volatile.

The impact on the projects, staff, families cannot be fully established due to projects being closed, for christmas and other reasons.

Please pray or keep in your thoughts. For her family For Compassion and Compassion Kenya For their staff for the people of Kenya and for Peace



sorry things have been so quiet. things have been pretty hard going. still here though …

and thank you for the folk who have emailed to tell me some of the links on the left hand side were broken.

I took the opportunity of refreshing the ones I wanted to, deleting a few, and more importantly adding a few. A couple I have been promising to put up for months, so finally, I have and will draw attention to them and the others that are there starting with …

*Peterson Toscano, Musings of. From his site he is “An ex-gay survivor and — Creator of Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House” and “I am a theatrical, performance, artist, a very queer and quirky Quaker, and an ex-gay survivor. I’ve lived on four continents in my life and currently live in North America in Connecticut”

For more, the link to his blog is somewhere on the left hand side. I met him several times at Greenbelt with Auntie Doris (whose blog is also linked on the left hand side) and he is a great guy.

*Mind Space is the blog of Dean Ayres. A random guy I met through Flickr, who is involved with various things and was presiding at the amazing communion service I attended at Greenbelt, and blogged about lots too … He is a member of the Grace community in Ealing, London, is a uni chaplain dude, and his blog is cool, so go check that out too if you have some spare time … This is how he describes Mind Space ” Dean Ayres’ blog about faith, politics, art, photography, travel, and anything else that piques his interest.”

*NAPAC – National Association for People Abused in Childhood. Might not be of interest for everyone, but an organization I have become more and more involved in over the last 3 months or so. They have a great site, lots of information, and a wonderful forum for anyone who feels it might be of use to them. Be aware the forum and website deals with a topic of sensitive nature, and again might not be for everyone.. But your more than welcome to go take a look.

*Post Secret. From their site “PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard”

Enough said, you might have heard of it, might not have, worth a look though

* I have also added St Pixels, Church of the Internet, a great site, with discussions boards and much more. Worth a look

*Greenbelt From their site “Greenbelt is an independent Christian charity working to express love, creativity and justice in the arts and contemporary culture in the light of the Christian gospel”. They hold an annual event each year which attracts thousands and thousands, and many more, and definitely worth a look at!

*Generous, Ship of Fools and Compassion are all still there as links, and still things I am involved with / support. Feel free to go take a look or ask any questions …

*Also go read Cartoon Church. Link at the top. Dave Walker. Funny Guy. Draws Cartoons. Met him @ Greenbelt, and then again at Holy Joes quite recently (which was a great night dave) … He also owns this blog site!!
Go check out his stuff

*Also Chelley, Auntie Doris, Pants and Hope Eternal still blog away, so go read what they have to say
*REV TC is on a blog break for the time being, but I like what he has to say, know him and think he is a very cool guy who has inspired me in lots of ways which he probably does not even know about, so leaving his link there for people to back read, and with the hope he might find some blogging inspiration soon.

Thinks thats them all. Have one more to add, but it wont seem to work right now, so once i have worked out why, it will appear and i will draw attention to it

Have fun if you get the chance to look at any of them

this does not mean …

the below post does not mean I am sitting here like a wreck.

Thank you peoples for the replies to my below blog, both the comments on here and the emails. Really appreciated alot.

I just want to say to no one in particular that even though I am now choosing to write about this, it does not mean I am sat here like a wreck. Not right now anyway ; )

Life gets tough. It is tough. But I am a fighter. Some days I dont fight the fight quite as well as others, but you know, when I came to a turning point in my life, at 16, just as I left school with not many qualifications, I made a decision. To work hard, to work really hard. And that is what I have done, I have worked hard, to do the things I have wanted to do, and to get to where I am. To get qualifications and on the whole be proud of some of the things I have achieved.

Yes, depression can rule peoples lives, and sometimes it does seem to get on top of me, and take over, but I have spent my life time, or as long as I can remember not wanting this to define me.

Not allowing it to define who I am. If that makes sense.

I am still a person.

And, even with depression I am a person who can have fun, who can enjoy, who can work a job

I am still a person who can have wonderful days like today, shopping, eating, having face masks and chilling.