Monthly Archives: February 2008


i was up until an ungodly hour. 6am to be precise.
however I think I had what could be a somewhat spiritual night.

By the time it got to 5 am, I decided to sprawl out on my bed with my ipod, and bible.

And I read.

I read a few psalms. I read some of Romans. I read some of Isaiah.

You know, most of the time, at the moment, I struggle to work out where God is. What He is doing, what He is playing at. Why He isnt speaking to me. Why it dosnt feel like He is helping me out of this great big black hole.

But then sometimes, just sometimes I feel this huge overwhelming sense of love.

Love from Him. Love from Him himself and from Him through other people.

Two amazingly powerful things have made me think while I was away. On the Saturday night, having watched a particular heavy episode of House of all things, I broke down. I did slip out of the room saying I needed to smoke before I did. So that no one saw me. As soon as my body hit the fresh air outside , that was it. The tears came.

I thought I was alone in all ways. But I wasnt, again in all ways.

Mrs Host (I shall call them Mr and Mrs Host) came out, with a scarf which she wrapped round me, and then she just held me. Hugged me and held me. Then she took my hands, and for 15 minutes, outside, in the dark, cold back garden we stood.

I am bowled over by their grace, love, kindness, acceptance of me and who I am.

On Sunday we went to church, and I couldnt take communion for all the reasons that people generally dont. So I sat quietly, working hard or not letting the tears well up, until the congregation started singing a song. A aong that goes “Brother Sister, let me serve, let me be as Christ to you”.

It goes on to say … “I will hold the Christ-light for you In the night time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you Speak the peace you long to hear. I will weep when you are weeping When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow Till we've seen this journey through.”

So , again I find myself sitting with tears rolling down my face. I have my head down, hoping no one notices … ahem

Mr Host just puts his hand on my shoulder, and Mrs Hosts hands find mine, and she just sits. With me. Hand Holding.

My God, By quiet, unassuming love and care, I was comforted. Hugely.

I know Jesus is my comforter too, even though, sometimes it really dosnt feel like it.

Not totally sure where I was going with this post now, so I will be back with more later …


I am not a punch bag
I am not yours to do as you like
I am not some dirty cloth to throw on the floor
I am not just another person to be abused

I have feelings
I have a heart
I have a body that cries
I have eyes, even if they don’t show the tears

I feel the fear sometimes
I feel the sadness of a life unlived
I feel the pain I never speak of
I feel the beating of a broken heart

I wish I could turn back time
I wish life could make more sense
I wish you would view me different
I wish you could hear me

I hope for hope
I hope for peace
I hope for love
I hope for mercy.

I am me
I am her
I am that person
I am

written by dreamer

the face

laid on my bed for half an hour this afternoon, looking at the ceiling. Had some chilled out Moby playing in the lounge, so I could hear its tune.
And I imagined seeing Jesus face.

No particular vision, but just this indescribable face. I have no set idea on how or what He looked like (though I dont think He had blue eyes and long blonde hair!!)

Anyway, so I imagined seeing His face, looking down.

Looking at me. Looking at me laying there in the middle of the bed.

I wandered what his expressions would be. What his eyes would be saying. How He would look.

Would He be sad? Let down? Disappointed?

I wander what He would be looking like, and feeling seeing me.