i was up until an ungodly hour. 6am to be precise.
however I think I had what could be a somewhat spiritual night.
By the time it got to 5 am, I decided to sprawl out on my bed with my ipod, and bible.
And I read.
I read a few psalms. I read some of Romans. I read some of Isaiah.
You know, most of the time, at the moment, I struggle to work out where God is. What He is doing, what He is playing at. Why He isnt speaking to me. Why it dosnt feel like He is helping me out of this great big black hole.
But then sometimes, just sometimes I feel this huge overwhelming sense of love.
Love from Him. Love from Him himself and from Him through other people.
Two amazingly powerful things have made me think while I was away. On the Saturday night, having watched a particular heavy episode of House of all things, I broke down. I did slip out of the room saying I needed to smoke before I did. So that no one saw me. As soon as my body hit the fresh air outside , that was it. The tears came.
I thought I was alone in all ways. But I wasnt, again in all ways.
Mrs Host (I shall call them Mr and Mrs Host) came out, with a scarf which she wrapped round me, and then she just held me. Hugged me and held me. Then she took my hands, and for 15 minutes, outside, in the dark, cold back garden we stood.
I am bowled over by their grace, love, kindness, acceptance of me and who I am.
On Sunday we went to church, and I couldnt take communion for all the reasons that people generally dont. So I sat quietly, working hard or not letting the tears well up, until the congregation started singing a song. A aong that goes “Brother Sister, let me serve, let me be as Christ to you”.
It goes on to say … “I will hold the Christ-light for you In the night time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you Speak the peace you long to hear. I will weep when you are weeping When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow Till we've seen this journey through.”
So , again I find myself sitting with tears rolling down my face. I have my head down, hoping no one notices … ahem
Mr Host just puts his hand on my shoulder, and Mrs Hosts hands find mine, and she just sits. With me. Hand Holding.
My God, By quiet, unassuming love and care, I was comforted. Hugely.
I know Jesus is my comforter too, even though, sometimes it really dosnt feel like it.
Not totally sure where I was going with this post now, so I will be back with more later …