Monthly Archives: September 2007

happy ending

happy ending by Mika.
The video is surreal, but I love it. The song is great, and the lyrics, well, I find touching.

This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can’t get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I’m wastin’
And I’m wastin’ everyday

This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o’clock in the morning, something’s on my mind
Can’t get no rest; keep walkin’ around
If I pretend that nothin’ ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I’m wastin’
And I’m wastin’ everyday

This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

I shall be Healed

I shall be Healed, by Michael McDermott can be found on steves blog which is : http://web.mac.com/stevevfoster/a_blog_less_ordinary/music.html

It is the second song down, and so amazing. Very powerful.

Not quite sure how I managed to miss this guy at Greenbelt totally, and then not hear this song until the other day.
My advice? Go. Listen. To. It.

Greenbelt Part 3

Greenbelt Part 3

So, what was the confession about?
To be totally honest, I am not totally sure what it was about for other people, BUT for me, it was about being in a circle with a group of people and saying sorry. It was about being in front of God, in a field, under the sun and saying sorry. It was about being forgiven. It was also about forgiving. For me it wasn't about the group of people just either. It was wide scale. Life scale. Big scale.

(to rewind and go on tangent for a little moment: a few years ago I went to a “charismatic conference”. Probably wont go again. I t served its purpose well for hanging out with my church family and friends, drinking wine and generally slobbing, but the meetings and ministry wasn't my thing I guess. I remember during the week though, spending lots of time in “intense” prayer with a couple of random folk who were running the prayer shed. Yeah, it was good to go and pray, and it was good to let God do what He wanted, but certain elements of it felt forced. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think the people praying for me, and the stuff they were praying for was more for them then it was I? If that makes sense … so forgiveness, yeah it was an issue, but I think it was more important for them that I forgive then for me at the time. I can hear a few of you going, yeah, right whatever. And I have to admit, I walked away from this prayer thing thinking, you know I am letting God down? Am I even a Christian, I have all these people praying over me, in tongues and spirit, and all that stuff , but still it wasn't happening for me. However hard I closed my eyes, however hard I tried to cry whilst they were saying “let the tears come” it just didn't happen. I felt nothing. N – O – T- H- I= – N -G . Was I normal? )

Thing is, bearing in mind the above tangent in brackets is that I really think God was really working at Greenbelt. Sitting in a field. Quietly. No big fan fare. No big jumping up and down and shouting out and about. No big falling on the floors and tongues, or anything else. Just quietly, sitting with a group of rather lovely unassuming strangers and He was working. And He was working big time on forgiving me, loving me, and helping me to sit and think, maybe, just maybe I can forgive. I can forgive.

So, at Greenbelt, 2007 I forgave.

So to some of you this might seem like I making a mountain out of a mole hill, and now isn't the right time to go into , if there is ever a right time, to go into what it was I was being forgiven for, and what I was forgiving. But it happened. And for the first time, in probably a long time, if not for the first time full stop, I think I just felt Gods awesomeness. I was just overawed, but again, in no big loud, shouty, clappy way, just in a quiet , chilled cool way. Just sitting on the grass, it was good.

I really need to talk about the communion itself, seeing as that was what this was, a communion service didn't I …

Still just sitting on the grass, all cool and calm, the communion part began.
Each member of our group got given a red piece of paper and a white piece and as we reflected and thought about the communion, and dean lead the service, breaking bread we were encouraged to pass bread around our circle to one another. And as we did that, we would say the little piece of writing on our sheets. As we went round the circle, each and everyone on of those pieces were different. So as we shared and broke bread with one another, we were also breaking bread with those who long for justice, those who long to live free from fear
As we went around the circle we shared bread with one another but also with who have faith for a miracle, who long for companionship, who toil and strive towards a better future. There were a few more but I have picked those out as ones that really touched me. In fact the whole idea of breaking bread with our group, remember Jesus and the sacrifice He made, and remembering and sharing with others we don't know, in situations we don't know. It was powerful.

Then came the wine. In the same format.
We shared wine with one another, but we also as the wine went around the circle, out loud shared wine with …who have seen loved ones die, who have seen to much blood flow.

Well, this finished me I think, in terms of the trying to stay dry eyed and everything else. So on went the sun glasses (thankfully it was very hot, so they looked good, and lots of other people had them on too, and hopefully no one in my circle noticed that the tears came. I just put my head on my knees, hoping to look like I was just reflecting. Again, all very chilled, quiet, no big fanfare. But how how striking for me.
To share in wine remembering Jesus with a group of people who will never know me, and who will never know how poignant it was to be thinking of those who have seen too much blood flow, and loved ones die.
We also shared this wine with those who longed for someone to dry their tears, who desire to be accepted and appreciated, who find the pressure of life too much.

My God, I have never experienced or been involved in anything so low key, chilled out, but yet so powerful and amazing.

Its late, and I have more to write on this, so if your not getting bored of this yet, then you can await for Part 4 to come along …

Greenbelt 2007 Part 2

Greenbelt 2007 Part 2 – stunning.

I promised a few more thoughts, a while ago, but with the move and everything going manic its taken a while. Plus every time I sit down to write about this, the words never seem to come, and I find myself debating what I actually want to write, and how to get it into type.

I had gone to GB 07 with relaxation being the plan. I was desperate for some time out. For some space. For something other than stress, sadness, and general crap. I knew I would have to take it easy, and as we arrived, and I knew I was missing the first thing I had planned to go to, I thought sod it. No offense to the lovely people I wanted to catch up with. But we were stuck in a Q. Needed our tents up before dark, and well hey, the people I needed to see, I would do in the course of the weekend. So I stopped stressing, and didn’t stress for the entire weekend. It set my weekend up perfectly to be one of coffee, chat and chilling.

I don’t think I had gone with an expectation of receiving from God either to be honest. I don’t think I had gone with an expectation of much other than forcing myself to take it easy, which in the end didn’t really need forcing, and I enjoyed it!

Anyway, on the Saturday there was some called “Communion by Number – the road to Emmaus” by the Grace Community who meet in Ealing, London. Since being in London, I have been meaningn to go to one of their get togethers, and know people who do, and stuff. Anyway, being in touch with the guy leading the service through flickr made me think I might head to it, while at Greenbelt. Didn’t really know what to expect.

The sun was out, and it was hot. The hottest day of the weekend, there was no give up in the scorching sun. As I headed to the arena where the service was taking place, there were lots and lots of wonderful multicoloured windmills

windmill
grace windmill

anyway, there were lots, and lots, scattered all around the field, and most of them were spinning, there was a gentle breeze making them move. I actually was quite captivated by them. There were not huge crowds in the field, but still the site of all these windmills. Strange moving.

As I went into the field, people were in groups of 6 to 8, around a windmill, and being on my own it was my job to announce my self in a group. I almost didnt, and left, but in the end thought how silly if i missed out because I wouldnt join a group. So I did. And they were lovely. I just joined them, and sat.

The service began, and using the big screen, and numbers to represent the journey the first thing we did was reflect on our road over the last year. We then had a minute to simply share it with the person next to us. Being on my own, with a total stranger for me meant I could be totally honest. I could reflect on the road I have been over the last year and verbalise it with someone, who didnt pry or nose, but just accepted. I listened to her road too.

The service then went on, very simply, and we got on to confession. I was nominated leader for this part, and it was me who had to read these words

“before God, with the people of God, I confess to my brokeness, to the ways I wound my life, and the lives of others and the life of the world”

the group then replied with,

“may God forgive you, Christ Renew you, and the spirit enable you to grow in love”

then it was reversed. so the group said it to me, and i replied to them.

it choked me. While i was saying my bit, I had to stop myself from getting teary eyed.

I dont know what came over me, or I guess I do, but wasnt expecting it. In the middle of a field with random strangers, the sun beating down, coloured windmills floating, to have a God moment. To have a moment of completely feeling broken and empty. To reflect on the last year of life, and how that has got me to this point. But as soon as the brokeness came, it went, and replaced was a hope. Sitting in this beautiful field, with some lovely people, with Gods creation all around, you could see the hills, you could see and feel the sun, the people walking by, everything, i dont know, i just felt loved, and felt hope, in a way i dont think i can explain, but just felt.

This is before the communion part of the service began, and so I think that has to be Part 3, so this is going to be an installment story …