hello.

hey fellow wibbers.

its been a while.

i am sorry for that.

i hope this blog finds everyone well?

now i know how to get logged back in and have found my journal with passwords in, i’ll be back soon to fill you in on my non adventures of late 🙂

Life Changing Moments – 2009 So Far …

It would be fair to say my life would appear to have many life changing moments in it. Many dramas, many ups and many lows.

2007 was crap, and 2008 was a battle of survival, quite literally, and it was with much support, and love from people with whom I have the deepest gratitude towards that I made it through.

I dont think I knew quite what to expect out of 2009. I knew it was going to be very very different from 08. For a start I was approaching the year with a fresh view, a fresh outlook, a desire to live a life, fully as possible.

A desire to try , as hard as it would be, to look forwards, to plan, to learn to laugh again, to learn to smile again.

a desire to keep taking steps forwards in what seems like the epic climb up the mountain that is rebuilding my life.

I was not quite prepared for 2009 to bring the two main events that it has done so far.

The first being in January, at the very beginning of which I received an email from someone saying they would be in the country for a week or two at the end of the month. The mixture of feeling and emotions from that one email were intense, a huge roller coaster. Should I go meet them? Should I make an effort? what might happen? its been years. Will they know me? Will I know them? so many questions, so much anticipation, and so much fear at the same time. But in the back of my head, the little voice was saying … but if you dont now, then when will you?

I am immensely grateful and always shall be, to the very small handful of people who saw me through the process of decision making, umming and ahhing. I had people there with the hugs, the smokes, the drinks, the tea, the support, words that needed to be said. 

and so eventually, at the end of january 09, i headed into the city to meet my father, for the very first time in very many years. I think it may have been the most single hardest thing, in this whole journey to do.
I cant quite go into the detail in this one blog about why it was so monumental, and so trust you just believe me for now, that it was life changing. Nothing, absolutely nothing seems to have been the same since.

The 2nd most life changing event has been in the last few months. About two months ago, my phone rang very early in the morning, to say my Gran, an amazing woman for 94 years old, had been taken into hospital.
This was the beginning of very many phone calls, very many hospital visits, very many vigils and very many ups and downs. After a few weeks, with her having been discharged and being back in the very small and amazing nursing home facility, we again got the call. She was back in hospital. And it would be for the last time, because over the course of that weekend it was to transpire that she was so very ill, that if she didnt have treatment, she would die. And if she did have treatment there was no guarentee she would survive anyway.

The most single bravest woman i have to meet. She declined all treatment, and decided that at 94 she had lived life well and perhaps it was time to go. One of the scenes that will haunt me in all this, was my mother and I being by her bedside in the A and E department with a lovely consultant trying to persuade her, but with her adament, he shook his head and said there was nothing he could do. Seeing the tears my mother was crying was heart wrenching.

So, then started the vigil. She declined rapidly, then picked up. Many nights spent at the hospital, and then the nursing home she was eventually transferred back to. 6 weeks later, 3rd of May, after a week of many over night visits, stays, and expecting the worse, we got the phone call. saying we needed to be there. My mother drove into town to collect me, and we trundled off to the home. Arriving four minutes too late.

She had gone. My beautiful, beautiful Gran had gone home.

It is very hard and emotional to try and explain the hole that has left. And weeks later, it still feels as though it hasnt closed. I dont think it ever will actually.

in my world of chaos, brokenness and general havoc, the one constant were my grandparents. the safe people we used to, as children spend the weekend with while my mum was working (she was left with the task of bringing up two children alone – and was hugely supported by her parents, my grands).

The fun we had was immeasurable, my brother going out every weekend with my grandad, and me staying behind to cook, read, go walking and do ‘girly’ things with Gran.

When Grandad went home 5/6 years ago now, it left my brother heartbroken. He was like our father figure. The one we didnt have as young children. He was the gentle, kind, loving, doting grandfather … the father children SHOULD have.

For me, the whole was huge, yes, and to this day I miss him. But My Gran, well of course she was special to my brother, but to me? She was my world. I sat and watched her declined over weeks, I nursed her, even when there were nurses to do it, I made sure i was beside. I spent the night holding her hands, and cradling her head whilst she was in so much pain. I was there when I said ‘I love YOU Gran’ and she replied ‘I love you to H’.

my grandparents marriage only parted when he passed away, and after 67 years, i think they did pretty damned well, and firmly believe now they are reunited and up there somewhere partying together like days of old.

however it leaves me on the ground, to try and take lessons away, to try and turn events that are so life changing into actual life changers.

I am burbling now … so i am going to end on this note … (i’ll be back with more sometime)

If I can ever be 1/2 of the person my gran was, then that’d be good.

To Write Love on Her Arms

To Write Love on Her Arms

from their website – “To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people stuggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery”

a fantastic movement/charity

www.twloha.com

currently mostly international but working hard on making a UK presence, especially at festivals in 2009

still here

this might be the blog I have been meaning to write for ages, but have never really known how to begin, how to order it, what to put in, what to skip out.

anyway, generally the last few months have been pretty random, in many different ways. up and down, backwards and forwards, down and up, forwards and backwards. its been mad, and sometimes when I stop for 10 minutes I have no idea just which way I am actually going.

But the biggest thing to report, write, say, shout is I am still going. Still here. Still fighting on. Still beating the battles, although some days it does not feel that way at all. in the big grand scheme of things, i still feel like I am at the very bottom of a very very huge mountain. Although actually maybe I am between the bottom of the first step, keep on stepping up , then going back to the bottom. The 2 nd step seems to the one I trip on … but at present I keep trying to go beyond it.

It has to be said though, in amidst the fighting, the tears, the depression, the sadness, and the general crappiness or what is going on, there have been some real “sunshine” moments. And yeah “sunshine moments” is a cheesy expression i know, but actually thats what they have to me. Moments of light, sun shining through the clouds. And its been them that have been profoundly amazing enough to give me minutes, hours or sometimes the odd day of just laughter. there have also been some achievements too …

This summer I went Greenbelt again, and at some point , again I will write about one experience I had while I was there, that was so random, but so affirming at the same time.

Over the summer i have experienced some amazing friends being that … friends. From all over the world, country. Online and offline.

Its a powerful thing to have people who are willing to drop everything and be there in 5 minutes, or to spend 3 hours on the phone while your in one place and they are 3 hours away.

Its a powerful thing to have friends willing to be tough but to love at the same time, but to see their words through. Its a powerful thing to have friends standing beside you throughout the darkest times.

Its a powerful thing to know, that when you sit in front of them, and tell them stuff you know they dont know about, and will be surprised at, that still they respond with love, grace, and hugs.

its so powerful to have friends who are wise, generous, willing and above all understanding. so thank you.

random mutterings

the most referrals i get at the moment seem to come from auntie doris blog. 🙂 yay, someone does read me
its nice to know some people still read! thanks for messages etc.

i guess i am at a stand still as to what to write at the moment or how on earth to begin with trying to explain whats been happening with me the last few months or what has not.

I guess the biggest thing to say if i am on the slow road of recovering from a really dark time when i felt like there was not much hope and no other option other than to not be here.

however it didn’t work, and here i am

A good few months ago now, so don’t all go panic on me! I am not any way inclined to try again …

however its been a pretty intense time, but with the support of a very small network of people, things are leveling out.

dont quit

My stepdad, whose surname I decided to officially take legally last week gave me me a post it card at the weekend with this written on it:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road your trudging seems all up hill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must, but dont you quit

life is queer with its twists and turns,
as every one of us sometimes learns,
and many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out
dont give up hough the pace seems slow
you may succeed with another blow

success is failure turned inside out
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are
it may be near when it seems so far
so stick to the fight when your hardest hit
its when things seem worst
that you must not quit

thanks dad.